Wednesday, August 15, 2012

don't give up on God

My story begins long before we found out we were pregnant. It starts before we even got married. Our story begins with God. It begins with His plan, His provision. He is provisionary, not reactionary. He knew all my days before they began. He knows the number of hairs on my head. He knit my daughter together in my womb. He is intimately involved in every detail of my life and the lives of all of my children.

For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.

My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place,
when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.

Your eyes saw my unformed body;
all the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be. ~Psalm 139: 13-16

But I'm getting ahead of myself. So, let's rewind a bit:

Ben and I were married in 2004. I was a day away from 19 and he was just 20. Yes, we were kids. Yes, we were blindly in love. And yes, we had the usual "5 year plan".

4 years into marriage, in 2008, we decided we were ready to start our family. But we didn't consult God. We didn't seek His plan. We just stuck to our own plan. Since then, I've come to learn that my plan is usually not God's plan.

I got pregnant almost immediately. We never have trouble getting pregnant. But about 12 weeks in, we found out that something was not right. Our baby girl had a chromosomal abnormality that was causing other serious issues. The prognosis was grim. And at 25 weeks, we lost her.

I went in for a routine check up and there was no heartbeat. But I knew before that appointment what the outcome was going to be. A mother knows when something is wrong. Just a few days before, I had woken up abruptly in the middle of the night, freezing to death (in the middle of August in Las Vegas). I knew at that moment that we had lost her. The doctor's appointment was simply a confirmation of my gut.

We expected it, but we had been praying for a different outcome. I spent hours and hours weeping, searching scripture, crying out to God, begging Him to heal my daughter, asking Him to let me keep her. But that was not the plan. He healed her, but not how I wanted. She is not here with us on earth. She is with Him now; perfect and safe.

It's sometimes difficult to see God in situations where your heart has been broken into a thousand pieces, but He is there. Don't give up on Him. I've written before about how I experienced God in the midst of our entire cirumstance. He was near to me. He provided for me every single step of the way. He never let me down.

After we lost baby Isabella, we knew we wanted to try again. The disorder she had was not genetic and it was extremely unlikely that any other children would have it. So we did just that. We tried again. We got pregnant again and miscarried. We got pregnant again and miscarried. We got pregnant again and miscarried.

Yes, you read that right. We lost 4 babies over the course of 2 years. I was devastated. I was broken. I questioned God about why He would place "mother" and "family" on my heart if it wasn't going to happen. At least, it seemed very clear that it wasn't going to happen.

Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don't get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes. ~Matthew 6:34 the message

But guess what, God doesn't ever let you down. It may seem like He isn't there. But He is. It may seem like He doesn't care or isn't providing. But that is just your perspective. He always provides and He always comforts. Turn to Him and allow Him to do those things.

Over the course of the next year, Ben and I discussed our options. We decided that we would try to get pregnant one more time before he deployed to Afghanistan. If we didn't get pregnant, then I would spend the entire deployment researching adoption and preparing to head down that road.

Ben left on May 1, 2010.

On May 14, he called for the first time from Afghanistan and I took a pregnancy test while he was on the phone with me.

It was positive.

On January 25, 2011, I gave birth to our beautiful, wonderful, amazing tornado of a boy. We named him Isaac: "laughter". He is our joy.

A friend recently commented on a photo of Isaac on Facebook saying, "What a precious gift from the Lord your little guy is. He must love you so much to bless you like this."

That is the perspective I need to keep: God loves me. God provides for me. Yes, bad things happen because unfortunately there is sin and death in this world. But that doesn't mean God doesn't care. It doesn't mean that He isn't providing for you and near to you, right now; in the midst of your pain. It doesn't mean He can't heal your heart.

He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. ~Psalm 147:3

If you have been struggling, particularly with loss, miscarriage, infertility, I can't tell you exactly what the Lord's will is for you. I can't guarantee that He will or won't open your womb. But I can, with absolutely certainty tell you one thing: God won't let you down, ever. You can trust Him. If there is one thing that the Lord has been showing me over the course of my 27 years on this earth, it's that.

an update since I originally wrote this post: we welcomed another baby, Elijah Patrick, in November 2012 and we're currently expecting another! Our hearts are overflowing with gratitude and joy.


  1. I'm so sorry for your loss.. Thank you for your honesty Jessi!

  2. Wow. I have had three miscarriages and your story gives me so much hope!